Friday, 6 November 2015

Religion annoys me

Hello. It's been so many months since I last posted. I even forgot I had a blog. The year is almost at an end and I barely blogged much this year.

Anyways, I'm at the start of my Uni break (4 months woohoo!). I got so much time to spare and not much to do. I'm currently looking for a part time job and while I'm at it, I finally got a driving instructor (After over a year of getting my learners).  I'm still 12 years old at heart, so this whole growing up business is....bleh!

Enough about my life updates...

The main talk I want to address is how lately, religion is irritating me (specifically Christianity). I've been raised up as a Catholic and over the years, I began to question my religion and God. The more I'm exposed to the world, the more I come to realisation of the truth. I admit, I struggle to have faith in God, let alone love him....I did feel guilty about it growing up. I kind of feel like I had to be brainwashed into loving God. That's just something I notice Christians look like. They look like bunch of brainwashed people. I'm not saying all Christians, just a decent amount do. The ones that I'm referring to are the ones that constantly goes around saying: "God is right" "God loves you" God this" " God that". Like okay..... Stuff like that irritates me. What irritates me more is that they go around and stuff that belief down your throat.

It all started a few weeks ago, I decided to come to Uni 3 hours before my class so I could study. I was feeling a bit peckish, so I went to the Uni's store to buy a ham and cheese wrap since it was the cheapest food I could get there.  I thought it was a nice weather so I sat outside the store on those tables. One bite into my wrap and these two ladies approached me. I was feeling insecure because at the corner of my eyes, I saw one of them giggling and lets just call them Rachel and Kath.

I was thinking fml as they approached closer. Kath was giggling as she stopped in front of me and she apologize for interrupting my lunch and ask if I could spare a few minutes filling out a survey. I thought if I filled it out, they would leave me alone after. I looked at the questions and was questions relating to christianity. When I finished, Kath decided to ask me more questions relating to the survey. She asked if I knew anything about God the mother. At that point I was a bit curious, since I only knew God was portrayed as a male image. She then showed me passages in the bible to point out that there is a God the mother. I was impressed at that point because it made sense. That was until she mentioned how the second coming of Jesus has already appeared. Like what the... I didn't want to question them about it in case it'll offend lol. They lost me at mention. They spent 30 minutes of my time (when they promised a few), talking about how believing there is a God the mother and that getting baptised, I could receive the water of life aka eternal life in heaven.

I didn't care about receiving eternal life because I rather believe there is no life after death. The thing I hate about myself is that I can't say no. I agreed to see them the week after and talk more about their religion. Such huge regret about sitting outside the store.

Well anyways, after they finally left, I went to the library to do my own research. Kath mentioned their church was called Church of God. Before I finished typing it into google, a suggestion at the end of the title was cult. I was flabbergasted for a moment. Of course since it's top suggestion, I needed to know. Was this some scientology shit? this blog has good points.
I'll be honest, it was the most excitement I had all year. For a brief moment, I was glad that I agreed to meet up again. I was going to gather information and use it against them. Oh was I wrong. Kath has been studying the bible for so many years, she practically memorised it and could answer all my questions. I couldn't argue back since I don't read the bible nor am I a committed Catholic.

So after 3 or 4 sessions and a trip to the 'church', I decided to stop meeting up with them. I hated the constant feeling of being pressured into getting baptised. Like nope. I didn't have a say not to mention consent into getting my first baptism. I'm 18 now so I can decide that I will not nor ever be baptised into something else that I find questionable. If Kath thought her lessons could make me love God, it has only placed me more further. I even told her I thought God was being unfair to us, making us repent for sins we don't even remember. Is this a form of manipulation into getting people to worship Him? I'm not a puppet that strictly follows the rules. I want to live my life and not become a brainwashed Christian that believes God is everything. Kath says that when we receive eternal life, we won't feel any pain or suffering. So that would have to mean we are not longer ourselves. No pain,  suffering or sadness would mean no memories of them. Do we even have emotions? if it's just happiness then it definitely sound like we're God's puppets for eternality. That doesn't sound like heaven to me.

This Church makes no sense. If the second coming of Jesus appeared in this era then what happened to all those people between the death of first Jesus to now? Did they all go to hell because they didn't believe there was God the mother, so therefore no eternal life?What about the Saints? Did they go to hell too? I didn't know this Church existed so I'm pretty sure so many others didn't either. Does that mean a majority of people will be sent to hell? Is God really being fair? He would have made it clear and made it Jesus's job in the first place not the 'second'.

Just overall, this chapter in my life has made me irritated so every time I go on Facebook and I see someone has liked a pic of something religious, it annoyed me. I don't need religion to dictate my life. I just need to be a basic human with good morals. Cause you know, even being a decent human won't be enough to go to heaven. So I hope there's nothing after death.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Worried about my future and obsessed with innocence.

Just thought I'll update even though no one reads my blog. Views are decreasing oh wells.

My application for the course transfer got approved but I declined it. Because at that moment I applied for it, I wasn't thinking. I'm just being silly and all. The thing about me is that I can't stick to one thing and it worries me about my future. How can I possibly commit to a job until my retirement??? I finally had a break down and cried about it. I'm too afraid of my parent's disapproval and disappointment that I forget to think for myself. I constantly worry and forget that I'm still young and there's still many years left for me to do thing. I need to relax and just focus on the present. I sleep all day and wake at night thinking. That's messed up. I need to pull myself together because my dream told me so. I know...I sound really silly but hear me out.

In the dream, I was searching for the school's counsellor because it's always at the back of my head that I have depression. I keep searching and I know I'm so close but I never manage to find the room. What I got out of this, is that I can't keep wasting my time trying to find help and dragging things. The only person who can help me is myself.  Asking for help is the hardest thing for me.

My problems are so little compare to others and I need to be more positive and just breathe.

On a different topic...
what has my life come to.... Yep I know I say my life is like Watamote but it's escalating. I listened to my first drama cd and holy shit. I'm addicted.. Ah shoot me. It's so steamy. I'm such a loser, I can't stop. Yandere drama cd are my favs yooooo. It's a guilty pleasure and I need to really stop because it's embarrassing and will be for future me.

So I decided to give tinder a go again and I know it's a freakin dating app but I know some are there looking for friends so why not. Met some cool people and all but convos slowly die so I deleted the app. Introvert problems. I can't handle a conversation longer than one hour and I reply after a really long time. Speaking about introvert problems, I haven't seen any of my friends for a month or two....

For such a vulgar person like myself, I really cherish innocence. I may sound like a sick pervert but innocence is really precious because it's dissolves as you grow up. I was reading a manga called 'Six half' and the guy lost his virginity and it really upset me. Like the guy's behaviour was so innocent and childlike and to know that he did it..... hmm :/ I know nothing is wrong with sex but I really don't like the idea. I sound like a damn hypocrite because I listen to fricken R18 drama cd but my innocence is already gone.
I think I mentioned it in my last post about The catcher in the rye. Ffs I share the same views as Holden about wanting to save children from the adult world. I get sad whenever I see a kid and I wonder what will happen when they grow up. Reason why I can't be a parent- I can't accept the fact kids grow up.

Lets end the post here.

Friday, 22 May 2015


Long time no blog!! I'm just lacking motivation, to be honest. Yes, as the title of the post says, I'm going through what I would hope be a phase. I just want it to be over soon.

Lately I've been thinking about life a lot and pretty much having an existential crisis. I feel so alone. I thought maybe I should live a little so I've been going to museums and places but this just made me feel more depressed. Damn it I'm freaking Holden Caulfield from The catcher in the rye! My mind just relates to him a tad too much I cried.  I seek human interaction yet my bitterness prevents it. Whenever I meet someone I over analyse them. What are they thinking, why are they acting that way, they are definitely fake, I bet they hate me, well I hate them too etc....

I tend to think people have a motive based on their behaviour. Like for example in High school, my friend acts a certain way to gain popularity. She knows what makes people laugh and her behaviour is very attention seeking. I notice she tends to come to class late that way the teacher will notice it and call her out on it, which the class finds hilarious for some reason. 

Have you ever saw through people like how fake their smile is? Why do people pretend to be even nice? They want to look good and they create this persona where everyone would think they are good. At the beginning of a relationship, people show only their good side than later they unravel their disgusting behaviour. We people manipulate each other into think we're perfect when in fact we're not. Like everyone does this. This is how you survive in the world, by being fake. I admit myself I do this and I hate myself for it. I just wish I don't over think situation and people behaviour because it really makes me depress. 

I've been telling myself I don't want to grow up. I just dislike adults and what liars they can be and how disgusted I am at their behaviour and motive. I'm slowly becoming one of them and that scares me. What scares me is that I am one but I refuse to admit it. Do any other teenagers feel this way??? I'm sure most do. This transition into adulthood sucks. I hate change. How am I able to cope with it. Everyone is growing old around me. I like things to stay as they are. 

I did something crazy. I'm in the process of transferring my course. I decided to do Bachelor of arts majoring in Psychology and sub majoring in Philosophy. I'm crazy I'll ya. This was decided in  a few minutes. I'm just not coping well with this life. I don't know what I want. In my mind, I'm still a kid. Damn it I'm only transferring course because I want to become someone who can help teenagers going through what I am. I want to save the last bit of their innocence before they face the harshness of the world and loose their innocence. You see what I mean when I say I'm like Holden. Damn it I want to be the catcher in the rye. I'll catch any kid who is about to fall of the cliff. 

My isolation phase is awful. I'm constantly feeling cold like my veins are carrying cold blood. I can't help but be alone and deny the fact that I do have friends. Yes friends but I can't help but be fake around them because of the fear that they won't like my true self. Yet I am constantly judging their behaviour and what they're thinking of me. I fear of calling anyone my best friend because it feels like a curse word. I'll label them as my best friend then the next thing you know they're not. I haven't chilled with any of my friends because it brings me discomfort. I have to always think of things to say in fear they might think I'm boring. I want to be quiet, it brings me peace. 

I'll be honest, this is my most honest post I've ever written. 

Friday, 6 February 2015

Novels I like

When it comes to books, I do not ever listen to other people's recommendations. The reason why is because I'm a fussy reader. I don't care if the book is the best seller or won 100000 awards, if it doesn't appeal to me then I won't read it. I have a certain taste when it comes to books. I really reading enjoy dark, disturbing stuff. Things people would consider messed up. I'm not a huge fan of romance unless it's messed up (not incest theme). I love emotionally damaged characters. They are so complicated and that sparks my interest as they got more stories to tell. I especially enjoy really it if their past is tragic. It makes me feel connected to the character as I just want to hold them. I like feeling sympathy. I'm starting to sound like a loony sadist. Anyways lets start the list. Not in any particular order of favourites. 


1. Sharp objects by Gillian Flynn

Words are like a road map to reporter Camille Preaker’s troubled past. Fresh from a brief stay at a psych hospital, Camille’s first assignment from the second-rate daily paper where she works brings her reluctantly back to her hometown to cover the murders of two preteen girls.

Why I love it? Because it's written by Gillian Flynn, the same author of Gone Girl. The protagonist, Camille Preaker, is so emotionally damaged, I love it. She didn't grow up in an loving family, her younger sister died when she was 13 years old, her mum is a shitty and she's a cutter (cutting words on her body). Camille is so broken, it made me want to read sharp objects. I didn't just read it because of Camille, I stayed for the amazing plot. By the end I fear for Camille's mentality because damn that ending though. 

2. Dark places by Gillian Flynn
Libby Day, the novel's narrator and protagonist, is the sole survivor of a massacre in Kinnakee,Kansas, a fictional rural town. After witnessing the murders of her two sisters and mother, in what appears to be a Satanic cult ritual, she escapes through a window and later testifies in court against her teenaged brother.

Another dark novel by Gillan Flynn!! Libby Day, the protagonist, is depressed for the last 24 years since she was 7. I don't know what's up with Gillian Flynn's unlikable characters that makes me actually like them. If I met someone like Libby Day, I would stay away from her but she is so interesting I love it. I stayed for the plot of what actually happened on the night of the murder and who did it. I love the relationships in this novel. Libby/ Lyle,   Libby/her brother Ben, the Days'/ dad Runner. Same parts in the novel was so messed up, I enjoyed it so much. 

3. Gone girl by Gillian Flynn
It is Nick and Amy Dunne's fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and reservations are being made when Nick's clever and beautiful wife disappears.

The first novel that blew my mind. Yes I love all the novels Gillian Flynn wrote. Mainly for the unlikable characters that I like. I admire Amy so much for her brilliant mind. Like holy shit ahhhhh. It was so fun to read as it slowly unravels the messed up truth. After I finished reading, I wanted to read more similar books. I have to say this was a nice revenge plan.

4. Hitler's niece by Ron Hansen

Hitler's Niece tells the story of the intense and disturbing relationship between Adolf Hitler and the daughter of his only half-sister, Angela, a drama that evolves against the backdrop of Hitler's rise to prominence and power from particularly inauspicious beginnings.

Remember how I mentioned about enjoying disturbing novel? Well yeah here it is. I was interested to read on how messed up hitler was that it to lead Geri's suicide. Oh how my eyes opened. Before I started the novel, I just heard rumours about Hitler loving his niece a lot that it drove her mad. In the novel it turns out that he murdered her. While reading that part I was like "WTF THAT ISN'T WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!" But it makes sense in way, the possibility of her being murder and I became obsessed with finding out the truth. Yeah some parts were fiction but damn were they nasty, especially the description of Hitler's body. It was too gross and funny the description of his penis being the size of a boy's pinky like OMG HAHAH. But yeah it was some serious messed shit. Very disturbing....

5. Close your eyes by Amanda Eyre Ward

For most of her life, Lauren Mahdian has been certain of two things: that her mother is dead, and that her father is a murderer.

Similar plot to Dark places where the accused is never guilty. Of course someone is bound to be the messed up character in the novel. Well Lauren the main character is scarred from the death of her mother and feels she is able to marry anyone even if she loves her boyfriend a lot. I really love her relationship with her brother that I did kinda ship them...  Anyways, you that one controlling manipulative bitch that no one really likes? Yeah she's the real pyscho villain that is later introduced into novel. Can't say I was really happy with the ending. It felt like as you are about to climax but it didn't happen, leaving you unsatisfied. Yea I was expecting dark places big climax ending but it ended like lazy............ But hey I still enjoyed the book because of the characters and "what actually happened on the night of the murder and who did it."

6. I'd know you anywhere by Laura Lippman

Eliza Benedict cherishes her peaceful, ordinary suburban life with her successful husband and children, thirteen-year-old Iso and eight-year-old Albie. But her tranquility is shattered when she receives a letter from the last person she ever expects—or wants—to hear from: Walter Bowman. 

The novel that made me realise I need to read more stockholm syndrome romance novel. I super duper enjoyed this novel. I was hoping Eliza (changed her name from Elizabeth) and Walter actually love each other but how sad.... Their chemistry was so good it could have ended good but nope. Walter had to rape her in the end and there's no going back from that. Yes this is the type of romance I like, messed up one like stockholm syndrome. The ending was not how I wanted it to end but it was the right thing to do. I was disappointed in Walter like bitch why you lie and act all good to Eliza just to save yourself. Man I thought he actually did love her.

7. Held by Edeet Ravel

Seventeen-year-old Chloe's summer vacation in Greece comes to an abrupt end when she is suddenly bound, gagged and whisked away to an unidentified location. Waking up from a drug-induced sleep, she finds herself in a squalid warehouse. 

Yep as I said earlier about Stockholm Syndrome. My guilty pleasure. Love it. Well I just love the hostage taker. My kind of man. Smart, nice, tall, good cook, caring nature like damn husband material right there. I don't know why but his emotionless and coldness is so HOT like whhaatttt. I guess it all about the mysterious type. Love the novel because of him. The girl is so annoyingly spoilt and whinny like please stop. The ending though, I thought was what? That's it? Like I didn't even get the find out his name, I didn't even find out what happened to him afterwards and the details of the released prisioner. Lets just say it was all good until the end. 

8. Stolen by Lucy Christopher

Sixteen year old Gemma is kidnapped from Bangkok airport and taken to the Australian Outback. This wild and desolate landscape becomes almost a character in the book, so vividly is it described. Ty, her captor, is no stereotype. He is young, fit and completely gorgeous. This new life in the wilderness has been years in the planning. He loves only her, wants only her. Under the hot glare of the Australian sun, cut off from the world outside, can the force of his love make Gemma love him back? 

When I started reading, it was written in second person to my displeasure, and I wanted to stop. It just reminded me of my old shitty fanfiction and I cringed hard. Glad I gave it a chance because ugh my feels. I absolutely love Ty. At this point I was waving goodbye to hostage taker in Held because I just felt Ty was way better and more affectionate. I just love stockholm syndrome with handsome male characters <3 What made me mad is that Ty continues to be nice to Gemma only to have her being difficult to him. Like that's understandable  but jeez right when she starts to feel something for him, she gets bitten by a damn snake and it ruined a cute relationship ahead. 
I'll be honest, I teared up and my heart broke at the end. In order to save her, he brings her to a hospital and hands himself over to the police why baaaabbbbbeeee why?? 
Ty is so emotionally damaged with a sad back story and all he wants is a companion. Yes thanks Lucy Christopher, I have feel stockholm syndrome for Ty. 
Even though I've live in Australia all my life, Stolen made me appreciate the Australian landscape. Wonderful book <3 Made me crack up at the penis painting. ◕ ◡ ◕

9. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

Humbert Humbert - scholar, aesthete and romantic - has fallen completely and utterly in love with Lolita Haze, his landlady's gum-snapping, silky skinned twelve-year-old daughter. Reluctantly agreeing to marry Mrs Haze just to be close to Lolita, Humbert suffers greatly in the pursuit of romance; but when Lo herself starts looking for attention elsewhere, he will carry her off on a desperate cross-country misadventure, all in the name of Love. Hilarious, flamboyant, heart-breaking and full of ingenious word play, Lolita is an immaculate, unforgettable masterpiece of obsession, delusion and lust

One of those messed up relationship I enjoy reading. I have to admit, it is disgusting the relationship but in the end I didn't hate Humbert Humbert. It made me realise how brilliantly written it is to be able to manipulate me into feeling sorry for Humbert dirty mind. Like if you're an outsider who has yet to read it, who know what I mean. That's what happen when you get an unreliable narrator. Yes I enjoyed reading it a lot. Probably started reading it because I was hoping for Stockholm syndrome plot. I super love the style of how it's written. I don't know how to describe it's style...lyrical? poetic? It's so messed up, the mind of a predator. 

Monday, 5 January 2015


My favourite months would have to be December and January. The reason used to be because it's summer holiday but that reason has escalated to MASSIVE SALES. Yes the christmas sales to boxing sales to the new years sales. Talk about going crazy for me.

Last week, I had some money to spend. I told my dad I'll be real quick and shop for 30 mins. It was a race to get the best before anyone else. My favourite store is cotton on and they're always having sales.

The only exercise I get is from running in and to stores. I have also developed a new talent. Changing clothes super fast.  30 minutes isn't long so I had to get in the change room, take off everything and try the clothes on. I glance in the mirror for 5 seconds before I am satisfied then I zoomed out to the cashier.

I don't like spending more then $10 on a piece of clothes. In the end of the day I bought 6 clothes for $40. Super pleased with myself ^_^

Anyways here I am again for New Years Resolution. I'm not going to do new me bullshit I alway says. You can't become someone different overnight! So this year I should slowly improve myself and gain more knowledge. Perfect opportunity because I'm starting fresh at university where most of the people don't know me.

Sadly, a lot of girls from my high school are going to the same uni. Well it's too late to back down now since I accepted the free Ipad.

I have been trying to practise swearing less and holding in my temper. Part of me wants to do that but the other part of me want to be a strong, foul mouth bitch who doesn't accept bullshit.

Transparent Sexy Pink Heart