Sunday, 12 July 2015

Worried about my future and obsessed with innocence.

Just thought I'll update even though no one reads my blog. Views are decreasing oh wells.

My application for the course transfer got approved but I declined it. Because at that moment I applied for it, I wasn't thinking. I'm just being silly and all. The thing about me is that I can't stick to one thing and it worries me about my future. How can I possibly commit to a job until my retirement??? I finally had a break down and cried about it. I'm too afraid of my parent's disapproval and disappointment that I forget to think for myself. I constantly worry and forget that I'm still young and there's still many years left for me to do thing. I need to relax and just focus on the present. I sleep all day and wake at night thinking. That's messed up. I need to pull myself together because my dream told me so. I know...I sound really silly but hear me out.

In the dream, I was searching for the school's counsellor because it's always at the back of my head that I have depression. I keep searching and I know I'm so close but I never manage to find the room. What I got out of this, is that I can't keep wasting my time trying to find help and dragging things. The only person who can help me is myself.  Asking for help is the hardest thing for me.

My problems are so little compare to others and I need to be more positive and just breathe.

On a different topic...
what has my life come to.... Yep I know I say my life is like Watamote but it's escalating. I listened to my first drama cd and holy shit. I'm addicted.. Ah shoot me. It's so steamy. I'm such a loser, I can't stop. Yandere drama cd are my favs yooooo. It's a guilty pleasure and I need to really stop because it's embarrassing and will be for future me.

So I decided to give tinder a go again and I know it's a freakin dating app but I know some are there looking for friends so why not. Met some cool people and all but convos slowly die so I deleted the app. Introvert problems. I can't handle a conversation longer than one hour and I reply after a really long time. Speaking about introvert problems, I haven't seen any of my friends for a month or two....

For such a vulgar person like myself, I really cherish innocence. I may sound like a sick pervert but innocence is really precious because it's dissolves as you grow up. I was reading a manga called 'Six half' and the guy lost his virginity and it really upset me. Like the guy's behaviour was so innocent and childlike and to know that he did it..... hmm :/ I know nothing is wrong with sex but I really don't like the idea. I sound like a damn hypocrite because I listen to fricken R18 drama cd but my innocence is already gone.
I think I mentioned it in my last post about The catcher in the rye. Ffs I share the same views as Holden about wanting to save children from the adult world. I get sad whenever I see a kid and I wonder what will happen when they grow up. Reason why I can't be a parent- I can't accept the fact kids grow up.

Lets end the post here.

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